More Movie Reviews From The Cobwebs Of My Myspace Blog!

March 23,2008 Highly Recommended Films: LAWN DOGS Sam Rockwell is a god! And a very young Mischa Barton gives a great little performance as well. CORNDOG MAN A dark-humored, bad karma, mind fuck, perfect for any drunken movie night! You'll like dem blue britches too! BLOW Everyone's seen it! You should see it again! The return of Pee Wee Herman! It's as cool as coke. OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE The lesser known Farrelly Brothers joint. Alec Baldwin gives one of his best performances ever! A funny, pot smoke-filled, classic! BEAUTIFUL GIRLS One of the late director Ted Demme's best films! A very young Natalie Portman is a scene stealer in this thoughtful dramedy! Lots of laughs and great music fill every frame with happy goo! ENJOY!!!!! April 8, 2008 More Brilliant Movie Recommendations: OFFICE SPACE - DUH! One of the all time funniest movies from that Beavis and Butthead/King of the Hill guy! Who knew? HEAVENLY CREATURES - Before there was Bored Of The Rings, there was this superior gem from Director Peter Jackson. In her first feature film Kate Winslet gives a super cool performance as a hyperactive lesbian! Based on a true story complete with lesbians, dancing knights, and murder! JOE THE KING - One of Val Kilmer’s best performances (before he was fat) and directed by Frank Whaley from Career Opportunities and Vacancy (movies only a mad mongoose could love) I’m proud of Frank’s little drama! CRAZY/BEAUTIFUL - Before she was Spider Man’s girlfriend and after her blood-sucking oscar nominated performance in Interview With A Vampire, Kirsten Dunst gave another powerhouse performance in this troubled girl’s love story. You’ll fall in love too! :) ED GEIN - The only real true story of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which claimed it was based on a true story but actually took place in Wisconsin with absolutely no chainsaw to be found) Psycho was also based on this creepy tale of a crazy dude who shot a couple of women, dug up corpses, made soup bowls from skulls and furniture out of bones. In his defense Wisconsin is pretty boring. April 13,2008 It's just my opinion. Don't get your panties in a bundle. Here's some oldies but goodies. I'm slowly working up to newer films. I don't expect anyone really gives a shit, but I'm enjoying this, so keep renting crap. What do I care? ELECTION - Reese Witherspoon is pitch perfect as the prim and proper student running for class president. Matthew Broderick (Ferris Bueller's all growns up) is the teacher slowly deteriorating into madness. Good fun! YOU CAN COUNT ON ME - Laura Linney rocks my world! And Mark Ruffalo is super cool! Good performances in this authentic drama. THE OTHERS - Nicole Kidman is mesmerizing in this thriller where she raises 2 children who stay inside a lot due to their skin being sensitive to the sun. They live in a creepy house with creepy servants. It's PG 13 but you'll jump out of your seat a few times. Creepy! RETURN TO ME - One of the best love stories I have ever seen starring Minnie Driver and David Duchovny. Written by and co-starring Bonnie Hunt, a Chicago veteran, this romantic comedy was filmed in Chicago. It's great to see one of Archie Bunker's last performances as well. Hilarious stuff! THE GIFT - Sam Raimi (Evil Dead & Spider-Man Flicks) also directs this riveting mystery thriller, with a shitload of stars like geniuses Cate Blanchett and Hilary Swank. It's dark, scary fun. Keep the lights on! Muhahahahahahahahaha!!!!! April 27,2008 I was told by his brother this week NOT to be a movie critic! Because I didn't like THE MIST or BORED OF THE RINGS, and I did like BLAIR WITCH 2. Oh well, to each his own. I see everything regardless of what the critics say and you should do the same! And why not start with..... MY BODYGUARD - No, not the dreadful Whitney Houston vehicle! But the classic 1980 teen flick with Christopher Makepeace. (Whatever happened to that dude?) Also starring youngsters Adam Baldwin, Matt Dillon, and Joan Cusack, this thoughtful script really packs a punch! The message here is "don't fight your own battles - hire someone else to punch the jerks in your life in the face!" Sweet! If only I had had a bodyguard in high school, I would have watched them for countless hours kick some major bully ass! :) Peace is over-rated! ORDINARY PEOPLE - Not for the faint of heart, this drama will test your abilities to tolerate living with real-life people who look just like you, who live with you, but that are crazy as all get out! This is your family!!! The horror!!! One of my top ten favorite flicks of all time! Mary Tyler Moore is a total bitch! And deep down inside we always knew it! SWINGERS - Tied with first place (with The Breakfast Club) this is also my favorite movie of all time! (I can have two!!!!!) Jon favreau and Vince Vaughn together again! Not since "Rudy" have we seen them both in their masterful chemistry! A truly magnificent cinematic experience! THE REF - The greatest Christmas movie ever! The promising, late Director Ted Demme delivers his first classic starring Denis Leary, Judy Davis, and Kevin Spacey. Guaranteed to brighten up any positively suicidal holiday season! MADE - Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn strike again, and with Columbo this time! Swingers was written by Favreau, but this time Favreau writes AND directs a very funny film with a killer soundtrack! Rock on boys! RECENT MOVIE EXPERIENCES: The original Stepford Wives (1975) was a lot better than I thought it might be, and The Mist blew chunks. Make It A Bob-Buster Night! May 15, 2008 Alright, here we go! More movie reviews from the guy who shouldn't be reviewing movies! PETER'S FRIENDS - This gem is directed by Kenneth Branagh and written by 80's comedian Rita Rudner about a hilarious reunion of friends gathering at an English manor after 10 years of being apart. Ofcourse there are secrets and lies that eventually surface, a good time for all! THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY - This party was written and directed by Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cumming, and stars many of their real-life friends. An interesting mix of characters make this party an essential! Break out the ecstacy and enjoy! SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE - Before James Spader was a kick ass lawyer on Boston Legal and Peter Gallagher was the coolest dad alive on THE O.C. there was this Steven Soderbergh flick. For all you perves with twisted fetishes, this one's for you! L.A. STORY - Steve Martin's comic masterpiece makes fun of L.A. with one dead-on joke after another. Marilu Henner, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Steve Martin's ex Victoria Tennant are the funny lady dream team making this an instant classic. ME MYSELF AND IRENE - Jim Carrey, Renee Zellweger and The Farrelly Brothers. Need I say more? The flash shot of the kids growing up on the couch kills me everytime! May 21, 2008 You know what, I decided that I should be reviewing movies dammit! I've seen hundreds more movies than my brother has anyway! I'm more qualified! And it's OK to hate Bored of The Rings! I sat through all stupid 9 hours of that crap! That's dedication to the movie industry man!!!!! So there! CHUCK AND BUCK - Not for big homophobes who can't deal with the naughty stuff they did as children. Written by the insane Mike White (Writer of Nacho Libre and School of Rock - milder stories) this movie is both hilarious and disturbing! Check it out if your not too much of a fag! ORANGE COUNTY - Director Jake Kasdan is one to watch with Walk Hard now under his belt also. OC stars Colin Hanks (Tom's son) Jack Black (A GOD!) John Lithgow (Genius) and Kevin Kline, as well as a bunch of other great cameos. I enjoyed the film immensely about a dude who dreams of writing... And you will too! :) ABOUT LAST NIGHT - The classic 1986 comedy filmed in Chicago is extremely well written and funny and stars Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, James Bleushi, and Elizabeth Perkins. Check this shit out yo! CRIMES OF THE HEART - Based on the Beth Henley play, Henley also writes the screenplay here. And starring film godesses Diane Keaton, Jessica Lange, and Sissy Spacek...quirky fun! CARNIVAL OF SOULS - This 1962 creepfest is a real chiller thriller! Partially filmed at an old amusement park right on The Great Salt Lake, this film is off the charts creepy. This flick was inspired by the true eerieness of this amusement park location. Driving in my car in Utah I passed this place which still stands at the edge of the lake and there were spine chills fo sho yo! June 7, 2008 Welcome back suckers! HELL NIGHT - One of the great horror movies of the early 80's. Ahead of the pack and more realistic than most. Linda Blair leads the cast of talented young'ns. PUNCH DRUNK LOVE - A more serious side of the anger-prone Adam Sandler. Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights, Magnolia) delivers his shortest movie, and not the usual 3-hour epics he's known for. Thank God! BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE - Whether you like Michael Moore or not, his controversial and thought-provoking movies get us all riled up and talking! Deadly serious one minute and fall down funny the next.....Good stuff! SECRETARY - For perverts only! This insane, quirky piece of work stars masters of the acting craft James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Sex and Bondage should be a part of every office environment! FEARLESS - Plane crash survival 101. Jeff Bridges and Rosie Perez are near perfect in this 1993 drama. Break out the tissues! RECENT MOVIE EXPERIENCES: INDIANA JONES - A bunch of old geisers got together and gave it their all!

3 Days At Fisher Nuts, And A Lifetime's Worth Of Education!

It was my first day at Fisher Nuts. I had my lab coat on, and my goofy hairnet and slippers. My mentor was Betty. Betty is black. She will forever be known as Black Betty. We hit it off right away. I asked Betty how she liked the job. She immediately replied, "I fucking hate it." she apologized for being so blunt. I told her to tell it like it is. Then I told her I was really scared. My first task was an exciting one. Label the boxes. Lift the boxes. Put the boxes on a pallet. Repeat until insane. For hours I kept up with the fast-paced machine. It felt like days. At lunch I told Betty how right she was! "How does someone do this for 8 hours, every day?" I asked, bewildered. Betty said, "ten." I said, "What???" She said, "it's 10 hours. We work 10 hour shifts." We laughed until we cried. How did I get on to the expressway to hell? Day 2 was great! I made boxes all day! For 10 hours. My fingers hurt. Day 3 was the greatest of all, not only because it was the last, but because it was totally action-packed! I lifted heavy boxes and couldn't keep up with the machine. I grabbed jars of peanuts from one conveyer belt and placed them onto another as fast as I could, over and over again, for hours on end. Grab, twist, release. Grab, twist, release. Repeat until insane. When I left that day I knew that I would probably never return to this hellpit. The job paid $8.25 an hour. Slave Labor! The machines were too fast. We are not animals! I swear if they didn't have to worry about germs, hair and contaminations they would have monkeys in there doing this shit. There were mostly Mexicans, then Blacks, then a few White dudes. The Mexicans and Blacks kept to themselves and didn't seem to like each other very much. Everyone there looked like they wanted to kill themselves. Not one person I talked to liked their job and said the company treats them like shit. I am going to make a documentary, exposing corporate America. Who wants to help? I will not miss Fisher Nuts, but I sure will miss my Black Betty. As I was leaving on that final day I remember thinking, "how can a building be so beautiful on the outside, and so ugly on the inside?"

Grease 2: Whyyyyyyyy?

Some friends recently encouraged me to watch Grease 2...Again! Grease 2 is hands down the worst sequel ever made. No John Travolta. No Olivia Newton-John. No Grease. I wanted to pluck my eyeballs out and stuff them in my ears. (I said the same thing about that godawful Meryl Streep/Pierce Brosnan Abba musical. As Simon Cowell would say, "absolutely attrocious!") The pathetic dialogue, the horrible songs. "I need a cool rider." more like, " I need a labotomy." "Who's that guy?" "Who cares?" None of these people went on to do anything except for Michelle Pfeiffer. They were all probably banned for life from entering Paramount Studios. Good move! Ok, let's hear it Grease 2 fans! Tell me what I'm missing, besides 2 hours of my life.

Swayze Cinema Spectacular!

Martha and I recently sat down to watch 4 Patrick Swayze films, making it an all day Sunday event of epic proportions.

GHOST - I hadn't seen "Ghost" in a long time, and although flawed at times with gooey cheesiness and a syrupy script, it manages to tug the heart strings and effectively manipulate us like it wants to. Whoopi Goldberg deserved the Oscar she received in this emotionally driven, often hilarious performance. This movie is historical, and will carry its legacy deep into the future, taking the love with it...

TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, LOVE JULIE NEWMAR - Swayze, Snipes, and Leguizamo in drag...Who could ask for more? Swayze is really good here and his Golden Globe nomination is well deserved. Miss Vida is the richest character that Swayze ever played, and the performance of his career. Good stuff!

DIRTY DANCING - I could get shot for saying this, but DD is an over-rated film that deserves little critical acclaim. It's a fun movie to watch, but the script is mediocre and the performances seem over-the-top. All of this gloom and doom did not, however, prevent me from viewing this movie about 10 times...so it's got something...just not incredible substance...Sorry Patrick...Forgive me...
"Just a fool to believe I have anything she needs..."

BLACK DOG - This 1998 lesser known Patrick Swayze film marks the Return-of-the-Semi movie! Yay! "Black Dog" Co-stars singers, Meat Loaf and Randy Travis...crazy, I know! Plenty of semi-crushing action in an absurd plot that will leave you wishing you had a semi of your own to destroy some shit!


And no we didn't have the movie "Roadhouse" and Martha thinks it's gay and she is wrong and "Roadhouse" must be viewed A.S.A.P.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze (1952-2009)

I'd like to INFORM you about BASTERDS!

THE INFORMANT - I originally planned on seeing "Inglorious Basterds" yesterday, but then mom said she needed to get out of the house. I called Richie who had seen "Basterds" to ask him how my mom would feel about this inevitably violent Tarantino film. Richie said it depends on if my mom wouldn't mind seeing nazi's getting bashed in the head with baseball bats and getting all carved up. I suggested maybe we see something else...so it was to be "The Informant" with Matt Damon. I mean, it looks hilarious, doesn't it? Well, turns out, the joke's on us. It wasn't so funny. The audience laughed a handful of times, mostly in the latter half of the film. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this is NO Erin Brockovich. Based on the true story of a guy from Decatur, Illinois...See? It's already boring. They should have filmed it in Vegas and thrown in some chainsaw wielding maniacs. Now there's a great true story! Matt Damon was outstanding as usual, and his amusing narration throughout the movie promised to breathe life into this flat story, but the promise went unkept. The movie shows glimpses of hitting its stride half way through when it becomes more compelling, but this peaked interest doesn't last long. maybe the script needs to be tightened up a bit. The whole movie is filmed in a consistently bland, yellow filter, and the soundtrack is like hearing marching band music at an amusement park all day long....A Hot Mess! One of the worst examples of the usage of music in a film that I can remember. This is an interesting true story that I wish someone would have just told me over a nice dinner. At one point mom leaned over to me and said, "we should have gone to see the violent one."

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS - The very next day I did just that. I went to see the violent one, Quentin Tarantino's latest vehicle, "Inglorious Basterds." The first 20 minutes were better than all of "The Informant." With characters you love and characters you love to hate, this was an engrossing story. I was riveted to its unfolding, and I couldn't wait to see where it was going and how it all would end. When it was violent it was to the extreme, but the film was mostly comprised of Tarantino's sharp dialogue. The Q.T. violence makes ya think...why wasn't Tarantino ever blamed for the senseless violence of the world? I'll tell you why...cause his movies kick ass!

25 Days of Christmas: Holiday Essentials!

Tis The Season for Holiday Movies, and I've got a list of 25 essential viewing pleasures! And I'll compile this list while I listen to Whitney's 2003 Christmas album, "One Wish," which she made in the midst of her decade long crack attack. It's an all-over-the-place doozie of an album that I highly recommend! Here are my top 25 must see holiday movies or specials, in no particular order. Let me know what I might have missed, and some of your favorites!

1) NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - Tim Burton and Danny Elfman's most profound collaboration to date. Forever classic!

2) PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES - We can see how special John Hughes heart is when viewing this hilarious and ultimately touching Thanksgiving classic.

3) PIECES OF APRIL - Katie Holmes tries to create the perfect Thanksgiving dinner for her dysfunctional family in this original, moving story. Patricia Clarkson was nominated for her outstanding, often hilarious performance.

4) HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS - Jodie Foster directs Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr., and Dylan McDermott in this essential flick that effectively conveys the ups and downs of the American Family Holiday experience.

...3 annual holiday staples...

5) THE SOUND OF MUSIC
6) WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
7) THE WIZARD OF OZ

8) BAD SANTA - Billy Bob Thornton is a very bad santa, with a foul mouth!

9) MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET - The spirit of Christmas is alive and well in this timeless classic.

Horror fans will enjoy these 3 gems...

10) BLACK CHRISTMAS - Very creepy original, an excellent horror flick that precedes Halloween and Friday The 13th.
11) SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT - I hope you spend Christmas...on the warm side of the door!
12) DEAD END - A holiday staple in my home. Spend Christmas in hell this year!

(This Whitney Houston album is seriously hilarious!)

13) THE REF - Directed by the late and the great Ted Demme, this hilarious Christmas film stars the ridiculously talented Denis Leary, Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey! Buy It This Year!

13) ELF - Directed by Jon Favreau and starring Will Ferrell. That's all you need to know!

14) FUNNY FARM - This, to me, qualifies because of the Christmastime ending. Chevy Chase in one of his best, funniest movies. Cue The Deer!

Here come the cartoon classics...

15) Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
16) Frosty The Snowman
17) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
18) The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
19) A Charlie Brown Christmas

20) PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - This 1988 star-studded treat is magical! Will This ever be available on DVD? I must watch it every year or it just isn't Christmas!

21) A CHRISTMAS STORY - You'll shoot your eye out! The Leg Lamp! The frozen pole! Good Times!

22) HOME ALONE - Another John Hughes instant classic! Miss you John!

23) HOME ALONE: LOST IN NEW YORK - A slightly inferior sequel, but good enough!

24) A CHRISTMAS CAROL or SCROOGE - I'll go with the 1951 Alastair Sim version. Though many have tried to recapture this outstanding version, it stands the test of time.

25) IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE - One of the greatest movies of all time. I'm blown away every time I see it!

Honorable mentions:

CHRISTMAS VACATION - My parents and their friends go on and on about how funny this one is. I just think it's ok. But because it makes them so happy, I'll give it a mention.

WHITE CHRISTMAS - It's been too long to remember how I liked this one. I know I like the song, but what of the story...I don't remember, but maybe I'll check it out if I catch it on TV this year.

Well, there you have it. Let me know some of your favorites. Have a great holiday season!

Make It A BOB-Buster Night!

43 Reviews in 86 Seconds!

Recommended:

Crazy Heart - Jeff Bridges can do no wrong. It's about time he got that Oscar.
17 Again - I have to admit I liked it. Zac Efron and Matthew Perry are fun to watch.
Ed Wood - Tim Burton's masterpiece.
Alice in Wonderland 3-D - Highly entertaining. Burton's re-imagining of the tale is most clever.
Marley & Me - I'm still crying.
Temple Grandin - In this stellar, made for HBO biopic, Claire Danes is virtually unrecognizable in this role of a lifetime.
Milk - Sean Penn never ceases to amaze.
The Box - Intriguing
Law Abiding Citizen - A blast of a revenge film.
Sherlock Holmes - Robert Downey Jr. - Thank God he's still alive!
Hot Tub Time Machine - Hahahahahaha - "What color is Michael Jackson?"
The Incredibles - First time I finally got around to seeing it - Why'd I wait so long?
Rumor Has It... - Rob Reiner returns to form - His best since The American President.
The Descent - some scary shit.
Train - Better than Hostel. Nice to see Thora Birch again.
Up In The Air - Great Stuff!
Date Night - Good Times!
Iron Man 2 - Great Fun!
Daybreakers - Cool Flick!
It's Complicated - A lot of fun for an old folks movie.
Precious - Great acting! Great writing! Great direction! Bravo!
Zombieland - not for all tastes. If you don't like Jesse Eisenberg, don't bother.
The Messenger - So proud of the Woody!
Orphan - Evil children are always a hoot! (Also see The Bad Seed and The Good Son!)
Away We Go - A fantastically written gem! I'll read or watch anything written by Dave Eggers! I must see Where The Wild Things Are soon!
Grey Gardens - Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore give this true story terrific life and big heart.
Observe and Report - One of those braindead, hysterical comedies I love so much.
Stop Making Sense The Talking Heads - You may ask yourself...why you've never seen this amazing concert film, or why you haven't seen it in a long time. See It!
Marie Antoinette - I hated this movie the first time I saw it...but a second look and I'm hooked on Sofia Coppola all over again. Beautiful Film!
Star Trek (2009) Action packed in any universe!
1408 - Chilling! Freakish! Nightmare invoking! One of Cusack's best films and performances.
The Crazies - Scary & Fun!
Shutter Island - It's too late for Scorsese to hop on the surprise ending train. The only surprise here is Scorcese's judgment, although in his defense the novel was written by Dennis Lehane whose books were made into 2 superior films, "Mystic River" and "Gone Baby Gone." See it for Scorcese's direction and the magnificent location.
The Wolfman - A little slow in parts - could've been tightened up a bit, But wicked violent and great transformation scenes. Hoooooooowl!

Avoid:

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - Not scary at all.
Legion - Not my type of horror flick I guess.
Bad Lieutenant:Port of Call: New Orleans - Bad Title, Bad Idea, Bad! Bad! Lieutenant!
Edge of Darkness - For a revenge movie, it doesn't stir up much emotion. Mel's personal life is much more interesting.
Couples Retreat - Hard to believe Favreau and Vaughn wrote this script with very few laughs. It's more a vacation for actors, than a movie for audiences. (Sorry guys - Love you!)
The Last Airbender - Please let it be the last!!!!!
The Book of Eli - Who cares. Skip the movie and the book.