Thursday, September 27, 2012

Snow White & The Dictator

September 27, 2012. What happens when you throw Bella, Thor, and Monster in a movie together? Well, it sounds like a recipe for success but I was unimpressed by this reimagining of The Snow White classic. I guess that they wanted to make a serious, darker version like Kevin Costner's Robin Hood, but it lacked charm, wit and whimsy. Although they wanted a darker version, it's still an adventure, right? And adventures are supposed to be fun! This movie wasn't fun, or funny, or even clever. No dwarves to be found. At least the dwarves had personalities, were amusing, engaging and made us smile. Everyone overacts, no doubt trying to overcompensate for this pitiful script. Watch any other version of this please! Hell, read the children's book. ;) The Dictator is Sacha Baron Cohen's weakest film to date, with the fewest laughs. I do look forward to his next project. This guy is so talented, we can forgive this misstep. I even forgave him for dumping ashes on Ryan Seacrest on the Oscar Red Carpet. Shame on you Sacha, but don't ever stop pushing the limits. So I rented these both from Blockbuster. Yes, there's one still open. And it seems I'm 0 for 2 this time. (Sigh) Movies are a gamble. Better luck next time. Make It A Bob-Buster Night!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

THE BEST HORROR MOVIES!!!!!

September 26, 2008 With October on the brink....it's certainly time for... Bob's list of... THE BEST HORROR MOVIES OF ALL TIME!!! (Muhahahahaha!) JOHN CARPENTER'S HALLOWEEN (1978) - DUH! THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT - A true original and horrifying to boot! Love these movie makin' dudes! We need more! THE EXORCIST - The catholics encouraged the filmmakers to make this one extra scary to promote more church go-ers. The masses must have been overflowing into the parking lots. THE SHINING - Creepy dead hotel staff and horrible naughty twin girls. Yuck! FRIDAY THE 13TH - chee chee chee ha ha ha A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET - One two Freddy's comin'.... SESSION 9 - Scared me silly. High creep factor. Filmed in a real abandoned mental institution. CARRIE - The Brian Depalma classic of the Stephen King novel. Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie are expertly cast! BLACK CHRISTMAS (1975) - Scary stuff and way better than the remake! (although loved the disgusting plot and major gore of the latest version) SCREAM - With an homage to all the great horror flicks, I had to include this! HELL NIGHT (1981) - Love this little unknown Linda Blair flick! Great direction and the best damned location for a horror film ever! NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - The original classic must have scared the living hell out of people back in the day, and still does... DEAD END - Awesome road to nowhere flick - funny and spooky! THE OMEN - Little Damian causes Big terror! ROSEMARY'S BABY - Having the devil's baby is never a good thing. CARNIVAL OF SOULS - Old creepy classic! Truly chilling! THE STRANGERS - The most recent horror flick to make me afraid of my own shadow. Relentless terror that will destroy your soul! WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (1979) - This original will keep you awake at night. I weep for babysitters everywhere. MUTE WITNESS - Working on a slasher film can be murder! Plenty of suspense! BAD DREAMS - Andrew Fleming's first great step into his super entertaining film making career. Other Myspace Buddy Contributions: AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979) DEVIL'S REJECTS CHILDREN OF THE CORN THE GRUDGE FINAL DESTINATION THE HITCHER (1986) HELLRAISER SAW ALIEN PSYCHO JEEPERS CREEPERS

KOSBEES!

http://www.spike.com/video/kosbees/2856754 Kosbees One of the funniest things ever!!!

DOLLHOUSE!

March 22, 2009 Joss Whedon's new series, "Dollhouse" is finally coming into its own and shaping up to be another great installment of the Whedon-verse. That's The Joss Whedon Universe for those of you who haven't caught up just yet. Hehe. Guess it's about time for FOX to cancel the show then, eh? And now I'm biting my tongue. I hope the ratings are great! Please Tune In or Tivo or Dvr this shit already, would ya!? Friday nights 8pm on FOX! Watch the sizzling hot Eliza Dushku transform into your greatest fantasy and fulfill all of your wildest dreams! Now that's hot! Later dudes!

TELEVISION BLUES!

January 1, 2009 Farewell to Boston Legal. Farewell to great, envelope-pushing, thought- provoking, challenging television? In the series finale there was mention of a great spin-off idea, but for another network, "a network that cares." With a jab at ABC and with references to "jumping the shark" this memorable finale continued its balls-to-the-wall campaign for greatness. So, now what? Thank God for Joss Whedon's upcoming "Dollhouse," premiere on Friday, February 13th 2009 on FOX. At least there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Good writing which explores the core of humanity, challenging our ideas and beliefs is indeed rare. Rumor has it that television has been dumbed down more than ever due to a barrage of distractions such as the internet and text messaging. This all leading to our being less focused on the tube itself. (a theory explored by "Boston Legal" in one of its final episodes). I guess I should be grateful that "Boston Legal" lasted 5 seasons. God knows that 5 of my favorite television shows of all time, "American Gothic," "Freaks & Geeks," "Firefly," "Wonderfalls," and "Undeclared." were all canceled in their first seasons. Praise fans and execs for deciding to release these gems on DVD. But the longing for where these fantastic stories and extraordinary characters might have taken us is a thirst that will only be quenched by our imaginations. Overall. A big BOOOOOO! for television programmers and their small-minded superiors everywhere!

SKYDIVING TO OUR DEATHS!

June 23, 2008 I will try to express this, but it was fuckin' fucked up is what it was! My stomach was in knots all the day long on Saturday, June 21st 2008! It was the day we (Rick, Richie, Jen, Jacquie, Ryan, and I) would be jumping out of a plane! It was all our very first times, except for Rick it would be his 6th maybe. Rick organized the event and said we would all have the time of our lives! I had diarrhea all day Wednesday, Thursday I worried all day and wondered if the diarrhea was stress induced. Fuck yeah probably! Friday I studied and then went to school, still worried about actually jumping out of a mother fucking plane! Friday night I packed an over night bag and we had a slumber party at Rick's house so we could get up early, have breakfast, and then go jump out of a mother fucking plane. Why am I jumping out of a plane again? Because it's on the "things to do before I die list?" Oh ok. It must be important then. Jacquie, Richie, Rick and I giggled into the night watching "Borat" and reading some resumes I had collected over the years that were some of the worst known to man. Was it really positable that we were actually going to jump tomorrow? Were we being resposable adults for engaging in such a risky adventure? Only time would tell. Dear Brain, don't think about it! We slept for maybe an hour. My sleep was crazy, restless, panicky, and nightmarish! Sweet! We peeled ourselves from our places of slumber, showered, and got dressed in our comfy easy-breezy lazy day clothing. I informed Jacquie that I was going to listen to Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Michael Jackson on my IPOD because I may not live to ever hear them again! She laughed and thought I was crazy. She was right! We went to breakfast at "6 nuts" in Woodstock. Our lovely and lively Jen met us there and it was then we met super cool dude and bonafied stud Ryan! While we ate our delicious breakfast all we could do is worry about it coming back up or even possibly out of our virgin asses later! A wonderful start to a beautiful day! I think by now we were thinking about stabbing Rick to death for getting us involved in all this shit, but we quietly kept it to ourselves. Rick drove us safely (crazily) out to Ottawa, IL. We bided our time by singing along to the ground-breaking hits of D.J.B.O.B. and doing a madlibs I had created for the big day. In the madlibs it worked out that our little group of brave, skydiving champions were named, "The Shit-stained Idiot Mongoloids." True dat! We sang and laughed and tried to smile, but really we were all gonna die so what did it matter. We all seriously needed a drink and stopped at a couple bars before 11am, but to our dismay they weren't open. Go figure. But then the 11th hour approached and we came upon "Opie's Bar." Please dear God let Opie be an angel from heaven to save us from our nightmare in hell travels to jump out of a mother fucking plane! We spotted a good looking man emerging from the bar, taking some trash out to the dumpster. "Are you open?" we asked. "We are skydiving today and we really need a shot!" "Come on in!" the man said, and the cheers could be heard for miles! We came to find out that this man was indeed Opie, the awesome owner of this most glorious establishment! Shots of petrone and vodka were served, and we even met little "Cubbie," a Frasier dog and something else mix that made an adorable puppy. I picked up "Cubbie" and stroked his fur in hopes of lowering my blood pressure. I once heard that works, but I still wanted to kill people. After drinking our shots and a couple beers it was time to get back into our sex swing and get back on the road. We were dangerously close to Skydive Chicago at this point and there weren't nearly enough shots in our bloodstream to make us forget what it was that we were on our way to do. Holy Shit! So we get to the stupid place, go to registration, and it's time for the paperwork. Ah, the paper work...legal jargon where we had to initial our lives away next to the capitalized, bold printed letters INJURY or DEATH. I don't know what else these pages and pages said except for DEATH DEATH and more DEATH. Jen insisted on reading the entire document until all the fucking DEATHS started to freak her out and so we all just initialed ourselves to death and returned the stupid legal contracts to the stupid lady at the desk to be done with it. I am ofcourse speaking for only myself here. This is my perception of the day's events. Jacquie, Jen and I were nervous as hell and not afraid to admit it. The boys Rick, Richie, and Ryan were pretty calm, cool, and collected. Hey, Rick, Richie, Ryan and Robert (all R's) and the gorgeous, titillating Jacquie and Jen. (J's) Sweet! We sat around in a hellish state, occasionally smoking, watching other crazy skydivers come down and land safely and alive. It was a gorgeous day of sunshine and breeze! It made us feel better to see others touch down to Earth safely, but the term 'better" used here is like saying lethal injection is "better" than being hung. :) Soon it was time for our class instructor, Donovan, to give us a brief tutorial on the horrifying, shit-stained events we were to experience in our near future! Hooray! We went down the stairs to a classroom with desks and everything. Donovan introduced himself and commenced to show us a 5 minute video. Awesome! I love movies! A ZZ Top bearded dude showed up on the screen and the entire class erupted in laughter. When the laughter subsided, we heard the goofy looking bearded man's words' "there is no perfect plane, there is no perfect parachute, there is no perfect instructor, and there is no perfect student" DEATH is a very real possibility when participating in an extreme sport! If that wouldn't kill the laughter, nothing would. But it did. One black dude in class had a question, "If we are extra nervous about jumping would it be ok to go get a beer?" Donovan advised against it. Donovan was a lovely man who tried his best to calm our nerves, but the truth was that the DEATH film was in no way of any help to us at all. The next step in our exciting adventure was to wait, and wait, and wait. This was most unpleasant. My knotted stomach hated me and the idea of killing people, mostly Rick, became ever more enticing! Muhahahahahaha! Alright, Rick's a stud and we all know it! It just sucked a real lot, ok? I was in a zombie state where I just wandered around, trying to keep myself busy, and my mind off of DEATH. I remember walking out to the car to smoke, watching more successful parachute landings, and eating...."the last supper," I thought. I really did. Outside at the car we smoked and called our loved ones one last time. The black dude from the class came walking by. "What's up? Did you guys jump yet?" we asked. "We did, and it was awesome. We are going again!" This promised to surely make me feel better, but it just turned out to be a lying whore who robbed us of all of our possessions, and skipped town! Bitch! Finally our names were on the board and it was time to suit up and become a man. A week before I turn 40 I guess it was about time! We got strapped in to our harnesses and yes, it was all really happening....soon....real soon! We met our tandem partners (the crazy dudes that do this all the time and were pumped up and ready to go! Fuckers!) My partner turned out to be Donovan from our death class! Awesome! They briefed us again on what to do when we were up there, stressing most importantly to arch our backs and smile. (Shut up Richie!) Once we were in our harness gear everything seemed to suddenly be at high-speed. I was walking with Donovan to the plane waiting area. The other shit-stained idiot mongoloids were soon to follow. The plane pulled up before we even had a chance to say, "fuck this shit! I ain't goin' you fuckin' fucks!" We boarded the small plane. We were backed up against one another with our legs bent, knees up and our legs spread. We were packed into the fuselage like a past-capacity 70's orgy where some people were excited to be there, but most of us were just freaked out! We were like sardines about to be eaten by some disgusting health nut who enjoyed the shitty taste of sardines! Fuckin' idiots is what we were, and shit-stained is what we were about to be. There were a bunch of guys who were jumping solo in front of me, and I would be the first tandem jumper. The plane climbed higher and higher. I looked at the altimeter strapped to my wrist and read 4000 feet. Holy fuck! We would be jumping at 13,500 feet and we were already so high, so high, all the buildings were so small, so little, everything was so wrong and it was all really happening. Could I really jump from a mother fucking plane? Could I back out now? If I did I would disappoint everyone, including myself, and I would just be in the way of all the others who wanted to jump. I had to jump and clear the way and keep up morale and just do it! Fuck all these people and fuck my tandem partner who was clipping me to his harness and tightening us together and fuck these thrill-seeking assholes in front of me who were so confident to the point of almost looking bored before they leapt to their deaths! Fuck them all!!!!! (Big Sigh) YOU jump out of a plane and then blog the thoughts that go through your mind you fuckin' faggots! :) Love you! Donovan instructed me to get on my knees in front of him so he could clip us at the hips. (Oh My!) Straps were tightened to the point that we were glued together. The giant doorway to the great unknown was slid open. The solo professionals went outside of the plane, holding on to the plane, facing inward. They were like crazy monkeys. Another dude inside the plane would take him by the hand and swoosh! They were gone - like they were being sucked into the black hole of DEATH! All 7 or 8 of the solo jumpers disappeared and now it was my turn. Donovan told me to grab the suspender-like straps of my harness and scoot forward. I grabbed the edge near the plane door. "No. Keep your hands on your harness," he said. I did. He pushed me to the edge of the door. "Ok head back," he said. "And arch your back..." He lifted and pushed and we were out there....falling fast....cold air flapping my face cheeks, speeding down to Earth at a 120 miles an hours. "Arch your back and smile" i remembered. So i smiled. No one could see me, but i did it goddammit. i smiled! i looked at my altimeter. They had told me to. So i looked at it and it read a number referring to the altitude that we were at. "Uh huh. Ok. i looked at it. It reads something. The numbers are going down. We are falling. Uh huh." 5500 feet is when i need to do something, oh yeah, pull the golf ball thingy which will release the parachute. wow this is crazy! Maybe he'll just pull it. Keep my back arched. Look to the horizon and not to the ground or I will fuck up the arch altogether, and we will tumble insanely to the ground. Look at the altimeter. We are almost to 5500 feet. oh shoot, i didn't reach back to feel where the golf ball is. i reach back. i can't remember if i found it or not. i don't think so. oh wow, look at the altimeter, almost to 5500 feet. i calmly wave my hands above my head. This means i need to pull the chute, but i hope he knows it means for him to please pull the chute. Donovan grabs my hand and leads it to the golf ball. i pull the golf ball out and away from us....ruffling noises are heard and my body jerks a bit, and then a bit more, and then quite a bit more. i grunted more than a few times until we were floating nicely through the sky. Ahhh, this is nice. It sure is beautiful up here. Are we ok? Are we really ok? I ask Donavan. I can hear him now. "Yeah, we're ok." he says. "Are we safe? Am I strapped in good?" "Yes, you're fine." "Wow. I can't believe I just did that. This is a dream." We floated peacefully through the sky, the ground still far below us. It was beautiful, magnificent even. "I can't believe I just did that." I repeated. I was definitely in shock and I knew it. Is that possible? I'll ask my Psychology teacher. We coasted toward the landing area and Donovan told me to lift my legs as high as I could and we would slide in on our butts unless he told me at the last second to stand up. "Ok, I said. I'll try." We were alive. The parachute had opened. Where were all of my friends? I couldn't wait to see them. Donovan and I touched ground and I was able to land slowly and safely. I kneeled on the ground and put my head to it. My God! Grass! I stood and looked up and there was Rick and Richie, then Ryan, Jen and Jacquie. I hugged Donovan and thanked him, telling him "I'll never do this again, but I did it!" I didn't know what to say. I was a crazy person in shock. I ran to the others and hugged them all! Jen was shouting loudly, "Wooooo Hooooo!" We were alive! Thank you Rick so much for the opportunely! The 6 of us bonded together this day, having faced death. We weren't sure that this experience had changed our lives - being in total shock and all - but my guess is that we will look at things differently, and appreciate our loved ones even more. I love all of you guys, and as for the brave shit-stained idiot mongoloid jumpers, there is an awesome cd coming your way with a skydiving theme and a sweet, cool D.J.B.O.B. vibe! "Might as well Jump!"

MUST SEE MOVIES FROM THE FILM FANATIC!

June 14, 2009 Well, my graduation ceremony was yesterday. It was a very nice day and it felt really good! Friends and family gathered and a good time was had by all. My 2 online Summer classes are going great so far! There is a horror movie in the making - A Tietjen brothers production with help from John & Bill Tietjen, Sandy & Carol Tietjen, Jason, Becca, Jody, Michelle, Phil and Richie. All collaborating to bring you some scary shit! Here's my recommendations this time around... MONSTER'S BALL - Proving that Halle Berry can pull the racism right outta anyone, even Billy Bob. It's nice to see Heath Ledger here as well. Awwww... JACKASS: THE MOVIE - Best party movie ever! Sit back, crack a beer, laugh and cringe a lot lot! MYSTIC RIVER - Whoa! This is heavy duty! Clint Eastwood directs the ingenius Sean Penn in a dark, painfully emotional film with an ending that could spark lively debate. Clint is my hero! THE LAST SAMURAI - One of my favorite Tom Cruise flicks, maybe because I lived in Japan. When honered, badass soldier Cruise is kidnapped by the enemy in battle, he goes thru a Dances-with-Wolves (the-enemy-is-not-so-bad) enlightenment journey of sorts. War can be fun! BOX OF MOONLIGHT - One of my favorite little unknown films starring the flawless John Turturro and the great Sam Rockwell! John Turturro needs to relax, enjoy life and escape structure. His crazy new friend Rockwell shows him how! PSYCHO BEACH PARTY - Here's a spoof of the 1960's beach party movies where we see Lauren Ambrose (Can't Hardly Wait, Six Feet Under) like we've never seen her before. And Xander! (TV's Buffy The Vampire Slayer) It's Xander! Great Fun! BEYOND THE SEA - I can still hardly believe that Kevin Spacey actually toured and sang Bobby Darin songs in front of live audiences. A phenomenon one can hardly fathom. But the movie's pretty cool. Check it out. MATCH POINT - Woody Allen's latest masterpiece. We've never seen a Woody Allen picture like this before. Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Woody's newest muse Scarlett Johansson are riveting! An unforgettable thriller! ROCKY BALBOA - Thank God Sly made one more Rocky movie to wash away the over-the-top goofy, although campily enjoyable Rocky IV and the godawful trash heap Rocky V. This is a great finale to a mostly really decent, sometimes masterful series about the human fighting spirit! Stallone, please keep on writing from the heart! PAPER MOON - Father and daughter Ryan and Tatum O'Neal are the perfect team of con artists in this always interesting dramedy. Tatum really deserved the oscar she won at the tender age of 10 years old. SYBIL - I watched this movie for the second time after 30 long years of having seen it for the first time on TV in 1976. Sally Field is nothing short of a prodigy, and the movie skyrocketed into my top ten favorites of all time. It is the true story of a woman with dozens of personalities. Psychology is the right path for me! DISTURBIA - Shia LaBeouf is definitely oscar bound in his inevitably bright career. He commands the screen in this hitchcockian story of a suspicious neighbor who may be a cold-blooded killer. THE LOOKOUT - Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tommy of 3rd Rock From The Sun fame) is all growns up here and what a great little dramatic actor he did become! After an accident JGT's memory isn't what it used to be. When he falls into the wrong crowd he has to struggle his way out by using his damaged brain. Fascinating shit! SUPERBAD - Great cast. Great story. Great writing. This hilarious and touching coming of age sex comedy joins Sixteen Candles and American Pie in the panty collecting, band camp sex comedy hall of fame. August 5, 2009 MILLER'S CROSSING - The Coen Brothers continue their winning streak. One of J's favorite movies of all time. Albert Finney blasts his way through another great performance. WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY - This hilarious spoof of "Walk The Line" was written by 2 of the finest writer-directors around today, Judd Apatow and Jake Kasden. "Let's Duet! In ways that make us feel good..." DAN IN REAL LIFE - A great love story with an adorable pair...Juliette Binoche and Steve Carell. And it's always great to see Dianne Wiest. Up with love! BLADES OF GLORY - Written by Chicago born brothers, Jeff & Craig Cox, this laugh-a minute comedy leaves us wanting more. Wish I had a brother writing partner too. FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL - Jason Segel shows off his full feature acting and writing chops, as well as his full frontal ding dong in this successful, paradise-set, crack-up love story. But "Dracula The Musical" won't make a dime. AMERICAN BEAUTY - Sam Mendez' 1999 Oscar winning Best Picture is an exploration of a seemingly perfect family that is actually dysfunctional and depressed. Heavy subject matter expertly handled. Spacey commands attention as always. Still don't get the garbage blowing around though...Hmmm? THE STRANGERS - This frightening shocker ended up in my previous list of the scariest movies of all time. This one still bothers me... August 9, 2009 Let's Get Right To It... LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA - Superior to its counter-part film, "Flags Of Our Father." It was much more interesting and certainly more moving. Clint Eastwood delivers! HOT ROD - Andy Samberg gives us a lot to laugh at here. The newish comic genius on the block. The "Footloose" tribute is totally tubular and truly gnarly dude! KRAMER VS. KRAMER - One of Dustin Hoffman's incredible performances, pre-dating the brilliant "Tootsie." Divorce can be a bitch, and so can Meryl Streep in her screen debut! Perfect! DEAD MAN WALKING - Geniusly acted by Sean Penn and Susan Surandon, this flick will tear your heart out and then inject it with deadly gas. TOP SECRET - Still hilarious since 1984, and watching this made me want more from Abrahams and Zucker. C'mon boys...I know you've got at least one more movie in ya's! SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL - Written by the recently late, and certainly great John Hughes, this film may be better than its more popular predecessor, "Pretty In Pink." Hughes had the best soundtracks to boot! He will be greatly missed and forever enjoyed on DVD. Recent Movie Experiences: I never had any interest in watching the original tv show "Get Smart," but it had to be better than the movie. More like "Get Stupid!" The last line of the movie is, "you gotta be kidding me." My sentiments exactly. Also watched an old Marty Feldman/Peter Boyle movie called "In God We Trust." I remember watching it over and over again back in 1980 on HBO. Written by Marty Feldman, this movie is still delightfully funny. Amen! Make It A Bob-Buster Night! September 22, 2009 GRAN TURINO - In a world more and more soured by politically correctness, this is a refreshing film from an American Icon - Clint Eastwood. No race, gender, creed or orientation escapes ridicule, and we love every minute of it! INFAMOUS - Look out Philip Seymour Hoffman, Toby Jones is playing Truman Capote and he's giving you a run for his money. Released in 2006, just one year after Hoffman's Oscar winning portrayal, this film still stands out and seemed more enjoyable to me. This also happened to me with "The Zodiac," a 2005 film starring Grey's Anatomy's Justin Chambers. This version was released 2 years before the popular Gyllenhaal/Ruffalo version, which was decent, but lengthy. Who needs big stars and big budgets to make a great movie? Not I! Although you will recognize a shitload of people in both of these underdog films. THE WRESTLER - Who'd-a-thought that Mickey Rourke could have ever recovered from the spectacular Van Damme bomb, "Double Team" co-starring Dennis Rodman. "Double Team" is remarkably bad and quite hysterical. But I digress...Wrestler Director Darren Aronofsky remembered an earlier promising, genuine, honest and pure Rourke in films like, "Body Heat," "Diner," and "The Pope of Greenwich Village." And for all you perverts there was "9 1/2 Weeks" and "Wild Orchid." "The Wrestler" is Rourke's crowning jewel, and Marisa Tomei is queen. I can't wait to see what Hollywood casts Rourke in next. Will it be an action-packed blockbuster, a heavy-hitting drama, or some little independent thing. These Post-Oscar casting decisions can be totally spot-on, or they go terribly terribly wrong. Only time will tell... IN BRUGES - One of the funniest movies I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and and Ralph Fiennes are hilarious in some stellar material. Prepare to laugh, cry and possibly suffocate to death. ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO - Kevin Smith's latest endeavor is surprisingly thoughtful and touching, despite its title. We route for Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks to not only have cheap, meaningless sex, but to fall in love. Awwww STEP BROTHERS - Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins are a dream ensemble and help make this movie funny from beginning to end. A ridiculous comedy worth your stupid time. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN - I do enjoy a movie from time to time that I just don't get. But I know that it's not only about the destination, but the adventure of getting there. The dog chase scene is one of the coolest things I've seen in a movie. The Coen Brothers always manage to create something visually stunning and unforgettable. This Oscar Winning Best Picture of 2007 stars little Josh Brolin from "The Goonies" all growns up...Tommy Lee Jones as a cop wishing for more sprinkles on his donuts...And Javier Bardem who gives a chilling, Oscar-Winning performance as the deranged psychopath who worships money and blood, and blood money. The ending is quite abrupt and leaves you feeling not only stupid, but really really dumb... Hurry up and see "No Country For Old Men!" Make It A Bob-Buster Night!

MOVIES AS MEDICINE!

May 30, 2009 I have been ill as of late and am on some cheap ass antibiotics. Just 4 bucks down at the Walmart. My car is also under the weather and has indeed broken down, but is currently in repair. Major Bum-O-Rama, but the silver lining is in the serious down time. In this solitude I have wondered when I have felt so alone. Maybe it's because I am returning to school Monday via the dreaded online class. Two online classes in fact. I am not looking forward to this because I know that I thrive on the companionship of my fellow classmates. It's not the same when my colleagues are just words on a screen, and yet here I type to post my innermost feelings in cyberspace. I can almost hear the echo...echo...echo... During the aforementioned down time I have gotten myself addicted to the weekly CBS horror mystery, "Harper's Island." It's not the greatest of shows but it is pretty gruesome, fast-paced and a lot of fun. Tonight is part 7 and I can hardly wait for the next slicing and dicing! I have also taken the time to watch 5 of my favorite films of all time. Perhaps not for everyone cause these flicks are all talk and no action. These films make me wish I was more well-read and a better writer. And here they is... LIFE AS A HOUSE - The incomparable Kevin Kline and Hayden Christensen lead an awesome cast of thoughtful dysfunctional characters who contribute to the building of Kline's home. DANCER, TEXAS POP. 81 - Four friends made a sacred vow to leave their small town after graduation and never look back. Full of funny, lovable small town characters. It's a happy face movie! SPRING FORWARD - Ned Beatty and Liev Schreiber are in top form. They become unlikely friends in this all talk pic about change, growth and acceptance. THE WEATHER MAN - Nicolas Cage and my favorite Michael Caine are father and son in this raunchy. totally hilarious and super cool flick that's set right here in Chi-Town! LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG - John Travolta, Gabriel Macht and Scarlett Johansson give impeccable performances in this interesting, original story of 2 friends who share the love of books and alcoholism. Travolta is a self-claimed professor and troubadour and Macht is a writer and Travolta's protege. This is John Travolta's best movie and performance since his comeback in Pulp Fiction, and that was pretty much a one-note character. Here he has much more to work within a wider range. And where the hell did Gabriel Macht come from? And Scarlett is just as hot and perfect as always. Enjoy! These extraordinarily impressive, deeply moving feel good films are what it's all about babies!

Cobwebs of Myspace 2: Get It Off Me!!!

MUST SEE MOVIES FROM THE FILM FANATIC!!! September 26, 2008 Here's some more shit you can rent on a cold fall night! BEST IN SHOW - One of the most hilarious films ever made. If you love dogs, or hate them, this one's a winner! THE THIN RED LINE - One of the best war films ever made - period. ONE HOUR PHOTO - Creepy movie starring Robin Williams. HANNAH AND HER SISTERS - My personal favorite of the Woody Allen oeuvre. Michael Caine, Mia Farrow, Barbara Hershey, Dianne Wiest and Carrie Fisher all shine in this well written slice of life. LEAVING NORMAL - Before there was the inferior Thelma and Louise, Christine Lahti and Meg Tilly starred in this girl-gone-wild road trip. Very entertaining and with more heart! ROGER DODGER - Campbell Scott is perfect in this awesome flick! This ladies man takes on the challenge to teach his nephew about being a man, and Jennifer Beals may help him get there. Fascinating shit! THE WAR AT HOME - I am a long time fan of Emilio Estevez and this was his best directed film until BOBBY came along. Both films worth checking out! Kathy Bates is always a wonder to behold! THE VERY THOUGHT OF YOU - This cute and clever romantic comedy stars Joseph Fiennes and Monica Potter. SUMMER OF SAM - My personal favorite Spike Lee Joint! John Leguizamo, Mira Sorvino and Adrian Brody head the cast of this true story of the 1977 New York murder spree that caused panic in the city for months! THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN - I'm not into westerns but this one entertained me a whole wild bunch! COOL HAND LUKE - The Paul Newman classic deserves another viewing soon. TAXI DRIVER - I never really got this movie until I saw it again recently. A young Jodie Foster and Robert Deniro stuggle to survive in the big city. November 2,2008 OLD SCHOOL - One of the funnier comedies in recent years. PROOF - One of Russell Crowe's first films and also starring Hugo Weaving, this movie explores the fragility of trust. STREETWISE - An intense, moving documentary about youth growing up on the streets. NO WAY HOME - Tim Roth leads an outstanding cast in this heartbreaking film about the life of an ex-con. THE VIRGIN SUICIDES - Sofia Coppola proves to be a much better Director than an actor! Kirsten Dunst, James Woods, and Kathleen Turner star in this disturbing drama. MONSTER - Oscar winner Charlize Theron knocked this one out of the park, playing an abused lesbian serial killer. Nice! CLUB DREAD - A horror spoof by the Broken Lizard's comedy troop that keeps the laughs comin'! MUTE WITNESS - A suspenseful horror flick that proves making a horror film can be murder! IN AMERICA - A spectacular film about loss and its repercussions. WAITING FOR GUFFMAN - A hilarious comedy from Christopher Guest and the rest of his friend geniuses. When a town of talentless nobodies attempt to put on a big production, hilarity ensues. OPEN WATER - Suspense and terror envelop a couple left out at sea after a scuba diving excursion. Tense! LOST IN TRANSLATION - Sofia Coppola's crowning jewel! The lonely Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansen befriend each other in Tokyo, Japan. Splendid! May 7, 2009 SHAUN OF THE DEAD - It sure is hard to make ammends with the people you love when all the dead people in town are returning to the living to eat everyone up. Way funny flick written by the lead actor, Simon Pegg. Don't miss "Hot Fuzz" either! FEVER PITCH - The 1997 original starring Colin Firth. A baseball movie with a lot of heart. Jason introduced me to it. It's been a long time since I've seen it, but I loved it. Still have yet to see the remake with Jimmy and Drew cause I love the original so much. GARDEN STATE - Zach Braff has just made his exit from "Scrubs" to hopefully focus on writing more gems like this! The funeral singer is reason alone to see it! God bless her! FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS - Another football movie? Hells Yeah! Billy Bob Thornton coaches the heroic Texas high school team. Little Caleb (Lucas Black) from tv's "American Gothic" is all growns up and in top form. Hut! Hut! Hike! THE UPSIDE OF ANGER - This awesome dramedy stars the impeccable Joan Allen, and that wacky guy who built a baseball field in his corn. Well written, well executed and often hilarious, this one's a keeper! HOUSE OF WAX - Ah, Paris Hilton! And this is just the beginning of her bright film career. For those of you who love her...Enjoy! For those of you who hate her...Enjoy seeing her get spiked in the head! Genuinely creepy villians and super hot special effects! (For other Paris classics, check out - "The Hottie and the Nottie" and "Repo: The Genetic Opera." Now that's...entertainment! SWIMMING UPSTREAM - Geoffrey Rush, Judy Davis and Jesse Spencer play a troubled family in this true story of an Australian swimmer. Born to a bastard father, the swimmer strives to become a champion to win his father's love. Break out the tissues! SIDEWAYS - Crack open the California wine, sit back and see the return of Virginia Madsen (nominated for an Oscar) and Lowell!! from "Wings" (nominated for an Oscar) and don't forget Paul Giamatti! Great ensemble cast! Glug Glug Glug! PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED - It's one of the only good movies Francis Ford Coppola made after his "Godfather" masterpiece. Perhaps his last great movie. Kathleen Turner's best work ever! Transport back in time on a magical trip! DEAD END - A favorite in this household, and a dang good Christmas treat for the whole family. This raunchy, dark-humored horror movie was recommended to me by Nancy, and I shall be forever grateful. Ray Wise and Lin Shaye lead this trip thru hell. "Dashing thru the snow..." MISCHIEF - Am I the only person on earth who loves this 80's sex comedy? Maybe.

More Movie Reviews From The Cobwebs Of My Myspace Blog!

March 23,2008 Highly Recommended Films: LAWN DOGS Sam Rockwell is a god! And a very young Mischa Barton gives a great little performance as well. CORNDOG MAN A dark-humored, bad karma, mind fuck, perfect for any drunken movie night! You'll like dem blue britches too! BLOW Everyone's seen it! You should see it again! The return of Pee Wee Herman! It's as cool as coke. OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE The lesser known Farrelly Brothers joint. Alec Baldwin gives one of his best performances ever! A funny, pot smoke-filled, classic! BEAUTIFUL GIRLS One of the late director Ted Demme's best films! A very young Natalie Portman is a scene stealer in this thoughtful dramedy! Lots of laughs and great music fill every frame with happy goo! ENJOY!!!!! April 8, 2008 More Brilliant Movie Recommendations: OFFICE SPACE - DUH! One of the all time funniest movies from that Beavis and Butthead/King of the Hill guy! Who knew? HEAVENLY CREATURES - Before there was Bored Of The Rings, there was this superior gem from Director Peter Jackson. In her first feature film Kate Winslet gives a super cool performance as a hyperactive lesbian! Based on a true story complete with lesbians, dancing knights, and murder! JOE THE KING - One of Val Kilmer’s best performances (before he was fat) and directed by Frank Whaley from Career Opportunities and Vacancy (movies only a mad mongoose could love) I’m proud of Frank’s little drama! CRAZY/BEAUTIFUL - Before she was Spider Man’s girlfriend and after her blood-sucking oscar nominated performance in Interview With A Vampire, Kirsten Dunst gave another powerhouse performance in this troubled girl’s love story. You’ll fall in love too! :) ED GEIN - The only real true story of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which claimed it was based on a true story but actually took place in Wisconsin with absolutely no chainsaw to be found) Psycho was also based on this creepy tale of a crazy dude who shot a couple of women, dug up corpses, made soup bowls from skulls and furniture out of bones. In his defense Wisconsin is pretty boring. April 13,2008 It's just my opinion. Don't get your panties in a bundle. Here's some oldies but goodies. I'm slowly working up to newer films. I don't expect anyone really gives a shit, but I'm enjoying this, so keep renting crap. What do I care? ELECTION - Reese Witherspoon is pitch perfect as the prim and proper student running for class president. Matthew Broderick (Ferris Bueller's all growns up) is the teacher slowly deteriorating into madness. Good fun! YOU CAN COUNT ON ME - Laura Linney rocks my world! And Mark Ruffalo is super cool! Good performances in this authentic drama. THE OTHERS - Nicole Kidman is mesmerizing in this thriller where she raises 2 children who stay inside a lot due to their skin being sensitive to the sun. They live in a creepy house with creepy servants. It's PG 13 but you'll jump out of your seat a few times. Creepy! RETURN TO ME - One of the best love stories I have ever seen starring Minnie Driver and David Duchovny. Written by and co-starring Bonnie Hunt, a Chicago veteran, this romantic comedy was filmed in Chicago. It's great to see one of Archie Bunker's last performances as well. Hilarious stuff! THE GIFT - Sam Raimi (Evil Dead & Spider-Man Flicks) also directs this riveting mystery thriller, with a shitload of stars like geniuses Cate Blanchett and Hilary Swank. It's dark, scary fun. Keep the lights on! Muhahahahahahahahaha!!!!! April 27,2008 I was told by his brother this week NOT to be a movie critic! Because I didn't like THE MIST or BORED OF THE RINGS, and I did like BLAIR WITCH 2. Oh well, to each his own. I see everything regardless of what the critics say and you should do the same! And why not start with..... MY BODYGUARD - No, not the dreadful Whitney Houston vehicle! But the classic 1980 teen flick with Christopher Makepeace. (Whatever happened to that dude?) Also starring youngsters Adam Baldwin, Matt Dillon, and Joan Cusack, this thoughtful script really packs a punch! The message here is "don't fight your own battles - hire someone else to punch the jerks in your life in the face!" Sweet! If only I had had a bodyguard in high school, I would have watched them for countless hours kick some major bully ass! :) Peace is over-rated! ORDINARY PEOPLE - Not for the faint of heart, this drama will test your abilities to tolerate living with real-life people who look just like you, who live with you, but that are crazy as all get out! This is your family!!! The horror!!! One of my top ten favorite flicks of all time! Mary Tyler Moore is a total bitch! And deep down inside we always knew it! SWINGERS - Tied with first place (with The Breakfast Club) this is also my favorite movie of all time! (I can have two!!!!!) Jon favreau and Vince Vaughn together again! Not since "Rudy" have we seen them both in their masterful chemistry! A truly magnificent cinematic experience! THE REF - The greatest Christmas movie ever! The promising, late Director Ted Demme delivers his first classic starring Denis Leary, Judy Davis, and Kevin Spacey. Guaranteed to brighten up any positively suicidal holiday season! MADE - Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn strike again, and with Columbo this time! Swingers was written by Favreau, but this time Favreau writes AND directs a very funny film with a killer soundtrack! Rock on boys! RECENT MOVIE EXPERIENCES: The original Stepford Wives (1975) was a lot better than I thought it might be, and The Mist blew chunks. Make It A Bob-Buster Night! May 15, 2008 Alright, here we go! More movie reviews from the guy who shouldn't be reviewing movies! PETER'S FRIENDS - This gem is directed by Kenneth Branagh and written by 80's comedian Rita Rudner about a hilarious reunion of friends gathering at an English manor after 10 years of being apart. Ofcourse there are secrets and lies that eventually surface, a good time for all! THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY - This party was written and directed by Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cumming, and stars many of their real-life friends. An interesting mix of characters make this party an essential! Break out the ecstacy and enjoy! SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE - Before James Spader was a kick ass lawyer on Boston Legal and Peter Gallagher was the coolest dad alive on THE O.C. there was this Steven Soderbergh flick. For all you perves with twisted fetishes, this one's for you! L.A. STORY - Steve Martin's comic masterpiece makes fun of L.A. with one dead-on joke after another. Marilu Henner, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Steve Martin's ex Victoria Tennant are the funny lady dream team making this an instant classic. ME MYSELF AND IRENE - Jim Carrey, Renee Zellweger and The Farrelly Brothers. Need I say more? The flash shot of the kids growing up on the couch kills me everytime! May 21, 2008 You know what, I decided that I should be reviewing movies dammit! I've seen hundreds more movies than my brother has anyway! I'm more qualified! And it's OK to hate Bored of The Rings! I sat through all stupid 9 hours of that crap! That's dedication to the movie industry man!!!!! So there! CHUCK AND BUCK - Not for big homophobes who can't deal with the naughty stuff they did as children. Written by the insane Mike White (Writer of Nacho Libre and School of Rock - milder stories) this movie is both hilarious and disturbing! Check it out if your not too much of a fag! ORANGE COUNTY - Director Jake Kasdan is one to watch with Walk Hard now under his belt also. OC stars Colin Hanks (Tom's son) Jack Black (A GOD!) John Lithgow (Genius) and Kevin Kline, as well as a bunch of other great cameos. I enjoyed the film immensely about a dude who dreams of writing... And you will too! :) ABOUT LAST NIGHT - The classic 1986 comedy filmed in Chicago is extremely well written and funny and stars Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, James Bleushi, and Elizabeth Perkins. Check this shit out yo! CRIMES OF THE HEART - Based on the Beth Henley play, Henley also writes the screenplay here. And starring film godesses Diane Keaton, Jessica Lange, and Sissy Spacek...quirky fun! CARNIVAL OF SOULS - This 1962 creepfest is a real chiller thriller! Partially filmed at an old amusement park right on The Great Salt Lake, this film is off the charts creepy. This flick was inspired by the true eerieness of this amusement park location. Driving in my car in Utah I passed this place which still stands at the edge of the lake and there were spine chills fo sho yo! June 7, 2008 Welcome back suckers! HELL NIGHT - One of the great horror movies of the early 80's. Ahead of the pack and more realistic than most. Linda Blair leads the cast of talented young'ns. PUNCH DRUNK LOVE - A more serious side of the anger-prone Adam Sandler. Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights, Magnolia) delivers his shortest movie, and not the usual 3-hour epics he's known for. Thank God! BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE - Whether you like Michael Moore or not, his controversial and thought-provoking movies get us all riled up and talking! Deadly serious one minute and fall down funny the next.....Good stuff! SECRETARY - For perverts only! This insane, quirky piece of work stars masters of the acting craft James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Sex and Bondage should be a part of every office environment! FEARLESS - Plane crash survival 101. Jeff Bridges and Rosie Perez are near perfect in this 1993 drama. Break out the tissues! RECENT MOVIE EXPERIENCES: INDIANA JONES - A bunch of old geisers got together and gave it their all!

Friday, September 14, 2012

3 Days At Fisher Nuts, And A Lifetime's Worth Of Education!

It was my first day at Fisher Nuts. I had my lab coat on, and my goofy hairnet and slippers. My mentor was Betty. Betty is black. She will forever be known as Black Betty. We hit it off right away. I asked Betty how she liked the job. She immediately replied, "I fucking hate it." she apologized for being so blunt. I told her to tell it like it is. Then I told her I was really scared. My first task was an exciting one. Label the boxes. Lift the boxes. Put the boxes on a pallet. Repeat until insane. For hours I kept up with the fast-paced machine. It felt like days. At lunch I told Betty how right she was! "How does someone do this for 8 hours, every day?" I asked, bewildered. Betty said, "ten." I said, "What???" She said, "it's 10 hours. We work 10 hour shifts." We laughed until we cried. How did I get on to the expressway to hell? Day 2 was great! I made boxes all day! For 10 hours. My fingers hurt. Day 3 was the greatest of all, not only because it was the last, but because it was totally action-packed! I lifted heavy boxes and couldn't keep up with the machine. I grabbed jars of peanuts from one conveyer belt and placed them onto another as fast as I could, over and over again, for hours on end. Grab, twist, release. Grab, twist, release. Repeat until insane. When I left that day I knew that I would probably never return to this hellpit. The job paid $8.25 an hour. Slave Labor! The machines were too fast. We are not animals! I swear if they didn't have to worry about germs, hair and contaminations they would have monkeys in there doing this shit. There were mostly Mexicans, then Blacks, then a few White dudes. The Mexicans and Blacks kept to themselves and didn't seem to like each other very much. Everyone there looked like they wanted to kill themselves. Not one person I talked to liked their job and said the company treats them like shit. I am going to make a documentary, exposing corporate America. Who wants to help? I will not miss Fisher Nuts, but I sure will miss my Black Betty. As I was leaving on that final day I remember thinking, "how can a building be so beautiful on the outside, and so ugly on the inside?"

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Grease 2: Whyyyyyyyy?

Some friends recently encouraged me to watch Grease 2...Again! Grease 2 is hands down the worst sequel ever made. No John Travolta. No Olivia Newton-John. No Grease. I wanted to pluck my eyeballs out and stuff them in my ears. (I said the same thing about that godawful Meryl Streep/Pierce Brosnan Abba musical. As Simon Cowell would say, "absolutely attrocious!") The pathetic dialogue, the horrible songs. "I need a cool rider." more like, " I need a labotomy." "Who's that guy?" "Who cares?" None of these people went on to do anything except for Michelle Pfeiffer. They were all probably banned for life from entering Paramount Studios. Good move! Ok, let's hear it Grease 2 fans! Tell me what I'm missing, besides 2 hours of my life.