SKYDIVING TO OUR DEATHS!

June 23, 2008 I will try to express this, but it was fuckin' fucked up is what it was! My stomach was in knots all the day long on Saturday, June 21st 2008! It was the day we (Rick, Richie, Jen, Jacquie, Ryan, and I) would be jumping out of a plane! It was all our very first times, except for Rick it would be his 6th maybe. Rick organized the event and said we would all have the time of our lives! I had diarrhea all day Wednesday, Thursday I worried all day and wondered if the diarrhea was stress induced. Fuck yeah probably! Friday I studied and then went to school, still worried about actually jumping out of a mother fucking plane! Friday night I packed an over night bag and we had a slumber party at Rick's house so we could get up early, have breakfast, and then go jump out of a mother fucking plane. Why am I jumping out of a plane again? Because it's on the "things to do before I die list?" Oh ok. It must be important then. Jacquie, Richie, Rick and I giggled into the night watching "Borat" and reading some resumes I had collected over the years that were some of the worst known to man. Was it really positable that we were actually going to jump tomorrow? Were we being resposable adults for engaging in such a risky adventure? Only time would tell. Dear Brain, don't think about it! We slept for maybe an hour. My sleep was crazy, restless, panicky, and nightmarish! Sweet! We peeled ourselves from our places of slumber, showered, and got dressed in our comfy easy-breezy lazy day clothing. I informed Jacquie that I was going to listen to Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Michael Jackson on my IPOD because I may not live to ever hear them again! She laughed and thought I was crazy. She was right! We went to breakfast at "6 nuts" in Woodstock. Our lovely and lively Jen met us there and it was then we met super cool dude and bonafied stud Ryan! While we ate our delicious breakfast all we could do is worry about it coming back up or even possibly out of our virgin asses later! A wonderful start to a beautiful day! I think by now we were thinking about stabbing Rick to death for getting us involved in all this shit, but we quietly kept it to ourselves. Rick drove us safely (crazily) out to Ottawa, IL. We bided our time by singing along to the ground-breaking hits of D.J.B.O.B. and doing a madlibs I had created for the big day. In the madlibs it worked out that our little group of brave, skydiving champions were named, "The Shit-stained Idiot Mongoloids." True dat! We sang and laughed and tried to smile, but really we were all gonna die so what did it matter. We all seriously needed a drink and stopped at a couple bars before 11am, but to our dismay they weren't open. Go figure. But then the 11th hour approached and we came upon "Opie's Bar." Please dear God let Opie be an angel from heaven to save us from our nightmare in hell travels to jump out of a mother fucking plane! We spotted a good looking man emerging from the bar, taking some trash out to the dumpster. "Are you open?" we asked. "We are skydiving today and we really need a shot!" "Come on in!" the man said, and the cheers could be heard for miles! We came to find out that this man was indeed Opie, the awesome owner of this most glorious establishment! Shots of petrone and vodka were served, and we even met little "Cubbie," a Frasier dog and something else mix that made an adorable puppy. I picked up "Cubbie" and stroked his fur in hopes of lowering my blood pressure. I once heard that works, but I still wanted to kill people. After drinking our shots and a couple beers it was time to get back into our sex swing and get back on the road. We were dangerously close to Skydive Chicago at this point and there weren't nearly enough shots in our bloodstream to make us forget what it was that we were on our way to do. Holy Shit! So we get to the stupid place, go to registration, and it's time for the paperwork. Ah, the paper work...legal jargon where we had to initial our lives away next to the capitalized, bold printed letters INJURY or DEATH. I don't know what else these pages and pages said except for DEATH DEATH and more DEATH. Jen insisted on reading the entire document until all the fucking DEATHS started to freak her out and so we all just initialed ourselves to death and returned the stupid legal contracts to the stupid lady at the desk to be done with it. I am ofcourse speaking for only myself here. This is my perception of the day's events. Jacquie, Jen and I were nervous as hell and not afraid to admit it. The boys Rick, Richie, and Ryan were pretty calm, cool, and collected. Hey, Rick, Richie, Ryan and Robert (all R's) and the gorgeous, titillating Jacquie and Jen. (J's) Sweet! We sat around in a hellish state, occasionally smoking, watching other crazy skydivers come down and land safely and alive. It was a gorgeous day of sunshine and breeze! It made us feel better to see others touch down to Earth safely, but the term 'better" used here is like saying lethal injection is "better" than being hung. :) Soon it was time for our class instructor, Donovan, to give us a brief tutorial on the horrifying, shit-stained events we were to experience in our near future! Hooray! We went down the stairs to a classroom with desks and everything. Donovan introduced himself and commenced to show us a 5 minute video. Awesome! I love movies! A ZZ Top bearded dude showed up on the screen and the entire class erupted in laughter. When the laughter subsided, we heard the goofy looking bearded man's words' "there is no perfect plane, there is no perfect parachute, there is no perfect instructor, and there is no perfect student" DEATH is a very real possibility when participating in an extreme sport! If that wouldn't kill the laughter, nothing would. But it did. One black dude in class had a question, "If we are extra nervous about jumping would it be ok to go get a beer?" Donovan advised against it. Donovan was a lovely man who tried his best to calm our nerves, but the truth was that the DEATH film was in no way of any help to us at all. The next step in our exciting adventure was to wait, and wait, and wait. This was most unpleasant. My knotted stomach hated me and the idea of killing people, mostly Rick, became ever more enticing! Muhahahahahaha! Alright, Rick's a stud and we all know it! It just sucked a real lot, ok? I was in a zombie state where I just wandered around, trying to keep myself busy, and my mind off of DEATH. I remember walking out to the car to smoke, watching more successful parachute landings, and eating...."the last supper," I thought. I really did. Outside at the car we smoked and called our loved ones one last time. The black dude from the class came walking by. "What's up? Did you guys jump yet?" we asked. "We did, and it was awesome. We are going again!" This promised to surely make me feel better, but it just turned out to be a lying whore who robbed us of all of our possessions, and skipped town! Bitch! Finally our names were on the board and it was time to suit up and become a man. A week before I turn 40 I guess it was about time! We got strapped in to our harnesses and yes, it was all really happening....soon....real soon! We met our tandem partners (the crazy dudes that do this all the time and were pumped up and ready to go! Fuckers!) My partner turned out to be Donovan from our death class! Awesome! They briefed us again on what to do when we were up there, stressing most importantly to arch our backs and smile. (Shut up Richie!) Once we were in our harness gear everything seemed to suddenly be at high-speed. I was walking with Donovan to the plane waiting area. The other shit-stained idiot mongoloids were soon to follow. The plane pulled up before we even had a chance to say, "fuck this shit! I ain't goin' you fuckin' fucks!" We boarded the small plane. We were backed up against one another with our legs bent, knees up and our legs spread. We were packed into the fuselage like a past-capacity 70's orgy where some people were excited to be there, but most of us were just freaked out! We were like sardines about to be eaten by some disgusting health nut who enjoyed the shitty taste of sardines! Fuckin' idiots is what we were, and shit-stained is what we were about to be. There were a bunch of guys who were jumping solo in front of me, and I would be the first tandem jumper. The plane climbed higher and higher. I looked at the altimeter strapped to my wrist and read 4000 feet. Holy fuck! We would be jumping at 13,500 feet and we were already so high, so high, all the buildings were so small, so little, everything was so wrong and it was all really happening. Could I really jump from a mother fucking plane? Could I back out now? If I did I would disappoint everyone, including myself, and I would just be in the way of all the others who wanted to jump. I had to jump and clear the way and keep up morale and just do it! Fuck all these people and fuck my tandem partner who was clipping me to his harness and tightening us together and fuck these thrill-seeking assholes in front of me who were so confident to the point of almost looking bored before they leapt to their deaths! Fuck them all!!!!! (Big Sigh) YOU jump out of a plane and then blog the thoughts that go through your mind you fuckin' faggots! :) Love you! Donovan instructed me to get on my knees in front of him so he could clip us at the hips. (Oh My!) Straps were tightened to the point that we were glued together. The giant doorway to the great unknown was slid open. The solo professionals went outside of the plane, holding on to the plane, facing inward. They were like crazy monkeys. Another dude inside the plane would take him by the hand and swoosh! They were gone - like they were being sucked into the black hole of DEATH! All 7 or 8 of the solo jumpers disappeared and now it was my turn. Donovan told me to grab the suspender-like straps of my harness and scoot forward. I grabbed the edge near the plane door. "No. Keep your hands on your harness," he said. I did. He pushed me to the edge of the door. "Ok head back," he said. "And arch your back..." He lifted and pushed and we were out there....falling fast....cold air flapping my face cheeks, speeding down to Earth at a 120 miles an hours. "Arch your back and smile" i remembered. So i smiled. No one could see me, but i did it goddammit. i smiled! i looked at my altimeter. They had told me to. So i looked at it and it read a number referring to the altitude that we were at. "Uh huh. Ok. i looked at it. It reads something. The numbers are going down. We are falling. Uh huh." 5500 feet is when i need to do something, oh yeah, pull the golf ball thingy which will release the parachute. wow this is crazy! Maybe he'll just pull it. Keep my back arched. Look to the horizon and not to the ground or I will fuck up the arch altogether, and we will tumble insanely to the ground. Look at the altimeter. We are almost to 5500 feet. oh shoot, i didn't reach back to feel where the golf ball is. i reach back. i can't remember if i found it or not. i don't think so. oh wow, look at the altimeter, almost to 5500 feet. i calmly wave my hands above my head. This means i need to pull the chute, but i hope he knows it means for him to please pull the chute. Donovan grabs my hand and leads it to the golf ball. i pull the golf ball out and away from us....ruffling noises are heard and my body jerks a bit, and then a bit more, and then quite a bit more. i grunted more than a few times until we were floating nicely through the sky. Ahhh, this is nice. It sure is beautiful up here. Are we ok? Are we really ok? I ask Donavan. I can hear him now. "Yeah, we're ok." he says. "Are we safe? Am I strapped in good?" "Yes, you're fine." "Wow. I can't believe I just did that. This is a dream." We floated peacefully through the sky, the ground still far below us. It was beautiful, magnificent even. "I can't believe I just did that." I repeated. I was definitely in shock and I knew it. Is that possible? I'll ask my Psychology teacher. We coasted toward the landing area and Donovan told me to lift my legs as high as I could and we would slide in on our butts unless he told me at the last second to stand up. "Ok, I said. I'll try." We were alive. The parachute had opened. Where were all of my friends? I couldn't wait to see them. Donovan and I touched ground and I was able to land slowly and safely. I kneeled on the ground and put my head to it. My God! Grass! I stood and looked up and there was Rick and Richie, then Ryan, Jen and Jacquie. I hugged Donovan and thanked him, telling him "I'll never do this again, but I did it!" I didn't know what to say. I was a crazy person in shock. I ran to the others and hugged them all! Jen was shouting loudly, "Wooooo Hooooo!" We were alive! Thank you Rick so much for the opportunely! The 6 of us bonded together this day, having faced death. We weren't sure that this experience had changed our lives - being in total shock and all - but my guess is that we will look at things differently, and appreciate our loved ones even more. I love all of you guys, and as for the brave shit-stained idiot mongoloid jumpers, there is an awesome cd coming your way with a skydiving theme and a sweet, cool D.J.B.O.B. vibe! "Might as well Jump!"